haiti

maybe just spoiled to feel the sunlight, to know i can choose it of and in this day to be a part of it to laugh in it to mask it with lotion to feel the wind dry my skin, only to pull my sweater on, let my hair catch the wind, and escape it for a roof, a stove, comforts of a blanket, of warmth i can trust, i am free in my privacy, i have it i can feel it, i can be free in it, and i look across several nations and a sea to imagine the moonlit sky of quiet tears rolling, ones the child cannot bury inside, no pillow for him to bury his face in, just dirt and the stench reminder that life may never be private again, life may never seem long again, there is no longer safety or anyone to care for me but here i am in a sea of bodies producing tears, a sea of tattered clothing and hearts barely beating because they lack the motivation, what is life without love? my mother and father? what is this hell i am in, why should i live, i wish i was buried too, surviving has to be more of a curse, i am breathing i suppose but hope is diminishing, my mouth is dry my stomach bloated my moves exhausting, soon i must drink my own tears, i must recycle my pain to feed my pain, ive no sight ahead it isnt a tunnel i wish it were for then i could feel alone for a moment, long enough to feel safe, to grab a hold of my thoughts and perhaps dig into hope, but i am stuck in survival mode, i want to give up, something biological pushing the "go." go button but i would do anything to turn it off, my heart would, my head would, my physical presence perseveres but everything within has given up. logic says it will never be okay, it was hard enough to fill our bellies before, now i have no family to look after me, no safety, i have open wounds, i have no water or food, i have no home, i haven't even finished primary school, i've no way to get a job, i cannot even fathom a way to survive without someone handing me aid. imagine my life completely depends on someone giving me free keys for survival. i just don't know if i even want it. i just want to shut my eyes, the moon is so bright and so full, i want it to go away, i want to cover my face, i want to feel silence and darkness, i want to stop seeing the faces of my mother and father alive when i shut my eyes, i want to stop hearing the cries in the crowd and feeling the sweat of bodies in mass, i want to stop smelling the stench of death, i must close my eyes and recall a time and place - an open field, my grandfather's mango trees, i sit among them i shut my eyes i squeeze them tight and drift off into a shallow sleep, praying in my heart that my body just gives up quietly tonight... please body, please give up, i cannot bear the hopelessness, i cannot bear life alone... let me feel the silence, lay me quietly, help me fade...