butterflies in my stomach - and a call for YOUR money

hi everyone.
so its my last week on project in africa, and though im sure im excited to come home somewhere deep inside, i just can't feel it. i am really scared actually. im more scared to leave here than i was to come here. as i walked to project today along the dirt road over the railroad tracks, people saying Jambo and Mambo and Habari along the way (nobody walks by you without saying hello here), and the kids ran up and held my hand as I walked like everyday, and I passed the women with baskets of fruit on their heads and the women selling sweet bananas and stacked oranges on the side of the road -- i teared up and just seem to have this nauseas (no idea how to spell that) butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling about coming home. it doesnt help that everyone at home seems to be in a quarter life crisis (haha) because it seems that i must be bound for it too, once i get back and realize my life is in california, not a little village at the base of mount kilimanjaro, or a farming town in uganda. its really hard i even have to be cautious with my words right now as the tears come so easily. next saturday morning i fly to zanzibar with a few girls for a week, since my project ends friday and i have a week until my flight on the 8th. i cant even get excited about white sand beaches in zanzibar i'm so mentally preoccupied with coping with the loss of africa in my life. it feels selfish how much ive gained personally out of this trip.

but im so thankful at what ive learned about africa and myself, mostly things i was dead wrong about (assumptions we make about africa, and even our professors make), and mostly the hard time in uganda when we had no electricity, no running water, no shops or internet to wander in to -- outside of our teaching hours, we had hours and hours of free time. it was incredibly hard to have so much time to think, especially when you come from the fast-paced states. but thats how people live here, people are just content "hanging out" -- i cried a lot feeling like that was the longest month id ever live, but now as i look back, that free time was used talking to volunteers and to the community - deep conversations, political ones and personal ones. humans are animals underneath it all (just so you know), and i somehow believe that we were designed more for a life like that than a life of shopping and internet. i wouldnt say their life is better in that farming village in uganda than at home, because i know saying that would be an injustice as many struggle to pay their school fees and even to survive when malaria and AIDs ravages areas, but there are things that are better here just as there are things that are worse.

i bought the women's group the internet cards (10 hour cards for each one of them) and offered to sponsor two children of theirs (wherever there is a need) - which brings me to my next point.

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i have a call for help and an idea im toying with. i need to go check the price and installation fees, but i am toying with the idea of buying the women's group one or two solar panels. first and foremost i need to talk to them about it and see how they feel, i need to weigh the costs also. as i see it now, this way they will have electricity (their village doesn't have any) and they wont have to pay the bills for it, so its sustainable. of course it wont work well in the rainy season, but we had a couple solar panels on our roof at teach inn and the electricity was almost always available to light our few lightbulbs even when it was cloudy/rainy. i have seen solar panels in a shop in town, so im going to go see the price. i honestly have NO idea how much they cost so ill have to see.

Rumor has it a lot of people have been reading my blog, and this is your chance to participate if you would like to:). I can probably afford a solar panel on my own (I think) but I thought if you feel you'd like to help pay for it also, please email me at priceless5@gmail.com. Unlike many nonprofits, i can promise you that for every dollar you donate, the entire dollar will go to the women's group's solar panel:). I don't need much money i think, and I dont know the amount yet. Just e-mail me if youre interested. Sounds weird but I dont want too much money, if I buy them more than a panel or two it will just re-inforce the "Mzungu give me money" stereotype, and it will up the chance that word will spread about the panels and they will get robbed from the women's group. I am very wary of people that raise $12,000 to just give to the communities here - the same communities that remain completely uneducated about accounting and banking - that does NOT promote sustainable development. Anyway, e-mail me a quick line if you are interested! I'm off to go check on the prices of solar panels and installation:)

much love,
suz